Bitch Please, An Advice Column

 

Dear “BP” –

I got a dog in 2020 to keep me company, but now I have a bunch of questions. Most importantly, why does my dog follow me into the bathroom? And while we’re on the subject, why does he shred my lawn with his back legs every time he goes out to the bathroom? Why does he insist on riding in the car with his head out of the window?

Love your column, you should have your own HGTV show!

                                                                                    – Confused in Castle Hills

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Dear Confused,

First, let me say this bitch loves a compliment like a pat on the head, but HGTV? We’re strictly Animal Planet in this shelter. Come on!

Okay, dogs are a little weird. But so are humans. You all drink beer in the shower, and call it a lifehack. I know chihuahuas who can pee while balancing on just their front legs—that’s a lifehack!

Listen, when your dog allowed you to adopt them, you became part of each other’s pack. Your dog sticks to you like a barnacle from an instinctive desire to protect the pack. Even in the bathroom. Danger could be lurking around every corner; walk lightly and carry a big stick. A dog wrote that.

Now, while attending your dog’s bathroom breaks (come on, tell me you’re not a pack!) you notice that he rips up the lawn after, ahem, closing up shop. This is a learned behavior called “ground scratching,” and it’s a trait passed down from wolves and coyotes. It’s a way for the pack alpha to literally draw a line in the sand to tell unfriendlies, do. not. cross. Yeah, I guess dogs are a little weird. I can see it now.

Now modern, domesticated dogs love to ride with their head out the car window because they’re super smellers! Wolves and coyotes might like to ride with their head out the window too, but no one is willing to test that theory. (Plz write in if you can confirm.) That sheer wind speed amps up the smells, but the really interesting thing is that they can recognize locations based on smells, and also who doesn’t love the feeling of wind blowing through your hair?! Basically, they’ve got built-in GPS, but unlike your phone, their battery isn’t always dead—unless you’re talking about an english bulldog; they spend most of their lives in low-power mode. Bless their hearts.

                                                                                                                  Your ever-loving satirical scribe –  The Bitch